Successes... Life is on the up... I was telling myself, how can life get anymore up? Maybe I don't need to meditate anymore?
But actually, many good things have happened and I am now actually doing what my assignment from Paul recommends and meditating nearly twice a day,
the cats are getting more and more settled in, having explored the front garden and are learning to handle traffic on the road, are beginning to sleep when I'm in the sane room as them, have found them some lovely new cat biscuits with grass and minerals in for indoor cats, have discovered that if I put the full 5cm of litter into their tray, they behave like they should in the wild and bury their poo.
(If they don't have enough litter, they just leave the poo on top!)
One day, I WILL have a beautiful garden and they WILL poo in it! Lol. And one day, we will all snuggle and cuddle up together, they will enjoy being carried! It frustrates me that, as with Lizzy, it's not come naturally to them. How can any being not want to be cuddled? But maybe it's the stress of moving. Maybe they're permanently wound up.. They seem to be gradually winding down, now they are getting used to the routine, now the furniture is largely in one place, they have mastered the cat flap just about, etc... Even getting used to my daughter slowly! Tempted to use flower essences but cats notoriously fear spray? Maybe a dab instead?
Lizzy is actually using her potty now! Almost every time she needs the loo! Even last thing at night and first thing in the morning! Nearly run out of potty stickers although maybe that's good, it'll help her from becoming too dependent on them?
I attended the second part of my Siriun Healing Course and I loved it, although it was somewhat dampened by the news that a member and long standing friend of my teacher had passed away. It was a shame to see Paul and Sue so stressed out, really hope they manage to unwind this week and reconnect, take on board all that wonderful advice that came through the ethers!
I met a lovely person though, a surprising place to find a friend, a kindred spirit :-)it was also lovely and refreshing to hang out with Paul, Sue and everyone from the course and wind down, get to know them a bit better. It was amazing to get out into nature, wish I could do it more...it was also lovely exploring somewhere on my own - I miss that, the freedom to walk where I like in the country, at my own pace.
I had a lovely vision reminding me of some powerful spiritual experiences in my life - the time I left the Baha'i temple in Delhi feeling like I was Jesus (not quite as mad and egotistical as it may sound!!) completely connected, calm, trysting, loving, feeling slightly above people in a loving sense - able to bless and look at everyone as a loving, divine soul, full of potential and openness, purity. No fear of strangers or men anymore, for me at that time and perhaps I need to remember that now, too.
Also the experience during my awakening when all of a sudden, all the intense psychic activity stopped and I had a clear vision that I was God. And God clambered down into my head, and sat into my body, casually unzipping, like clambering into a jumpsuit or space suit, and thought to himself, what shall I do here? What shall I change, what shall I create? The potential was limitless, anything good was possible, and I felt completely calm and in control.
I will be using these ideas a lot in the next month or so to help me feel more able to heal and help people in a higher sense, using healing energy and love, through my hands now as well as radiation.
Meanwhile, I am really looking forward to the future..and hope the castle painting and writing this will help me to do it more! Symbols flood me that I long to paint, draw, create - The Cupcake of Glory (cf Edward Monkton crossed with Cath Kidston and mucho vibrancy and glitz!), Home is Where the Heart Is, Vintage Roses, dried flowers and herb garlands and pot pouuris, Culpeper, faded reds, roses, china blues and those hilarious kitsch feminist vintage signs sold by fairtrade Evolution et al, (eg I just smile because I have no idea what's going on!' 'In the evening give my family two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it!' etc) create a beautiful living room, and artwork to go in it! I am currently making a Cinderella replica castle for Lizzy's birthday - it's one of those projects that is really for me, my enjoyment and deep spiritual reflection as much as it is a present and project to work on with Elizabeth - perhaps slightly more for me actually!
We hope to go to Disney in 18 months and the castle for me symbolises true love, a true home, a truly beautiful abode fit for a princess, a new marriage better and more fairytale-like and truly magical, sparkly, feminine and glitter than before!
Davey and I believe, I think! That true love is possible, fairytale love, the kind that is simple, open about our deepest, most childlike feelings, and never dies! One with a perfect placement of gender roles, although is slightly gay at the same time!!
I want to save for this beautiful, princess, fairytale future, I want to have another child - a boy - and I want to live abroad if it's right, or at least travel a lot! And maybe we could even get married in Disneyland... Selfish having an overseas wedding? But centring? Neither of us have got down on one knee and 'properly' proposed yet... I want to shut up and wait hopefully to be proposed to, yet I can't stop thinking and planning... What kind of wedding could we have? A handfasting by a lake, in a field, in a wood? What if it didn't work? How awful and embarrassing would that be if I ruined another marriage, if I became a serial marrier?
I want to have faith that I'm not that stupid, that it was all destiny, the guides led me to Matt, and then led me to David.. Yet they did suggest some other people fleetingly, tauntingly for me just as I made the break. I said no. And that, I hope, is the central thing, although Paul and the guides really helped shove me in a new direction, if they had tried to help me fall in love with Tony Blair, I really couldn't have done it!!
I do wonder... Back when I first met Matt they were funny times.. I remember sitting there and praying, 'Please let me fall in love with Matt as I don't want to hurt him!' I prayed this as I could sense he was the kind of person that wanted to settle - a one woman kind of guy, like my dear best friend Phil and beloved colleague Steve (who I had avoided going out with for similar reasons - I knew I would eventually leave them as they were too nice for me - I was too much of a true Stokie or bloke - swearing, drinking, enjoying adventurous sex... I had a long history and path of lots of partners and I felt this wouldn't work with these innocent, one-woman guys. But with Matt, I felt things were drawing to a close, a sex-spree chapter of my life was closing and I should now really settle, have a kid, marry for practical reasons rather than just love, as love had failed me so many times, I felt (or at least with Andrew, Alinka, Daryl - those relationships with whom I had been the most magnetically and powerfully attracted to on many levels, had collapsed the most painfully and dramatically.
Hence, and for various other experiential reasons eg. meeting my Muslim Indian relatives, seeing how relatively happy they seemed, and reflecting on arranged marriage, I had lost faith in the powers of pure attraction - Matt and I were astrological opposites, complements like yin and yang, and complements in Chinese Astrology, I never had met, nor thought I would meet anyone who practises music and meditation (and vegan/vegetarianism in the past) both to high levels, so I thought maybe it's destiny?
Ah well, who knows how it will pan out in the end, I am really happy now we're friends, it all feels so much better. I wish there were more of this inner knowing, feel good, less of the worry with Davey... I hope my fears will heal with time...I'm so scared of fluffing it all up but I really feel that it's right - that Matt and I could never have lasted as a couple, regardless of circumstance... It's all to do with placing.. As a Stoke home bird with most of my soul family based there too, I need someone whose roots are also there? I wish I could stop worrying, I just want to get married, shout about my plans and feelings without guilt, want Davey to be truly accepted into the bosom of the family now... I am angry at the idea that I need to pay money to get bits of paper to get it all accepted and legit and secure... Surely it should be equally easy to cohabit, or even not cohabit, and still be as accepted? And of course, with time, Davey would be accepted if I for some reason couldn't afford a divorce and 2nd wedding...even then, there is no civil ceremony to opt in Davey as a second Dad, a cater, a guardian, and bless him and welcome him as part of the family... Maybe I could invent one?
Will everything fall apart and get destroyed if I don't dk thus? Does everything feel so bad, so wrong right now because I having done anything official? Or because I haven't voiced any of this, having talked to anyone? I know talking is so important, I know I should try and follow PBs advice and get counselling, but with my Dad to pay back, and Disney to save for, there is no room in my current budget for Sirian studies, healing, or counselling, let alone saving for a wedding, a mortgage deposit, Lizzy's university and wedding...
Sigh. I try not to feel like my life is insane, doomed to fail... I don't want to let the singing a go, I want to develop it - all I have to do is a simple classical/baroque website, a demo cd, a CV and that's it...
And what to do with the musical theatre, jazz, rock, punk, pop leanings? I guess they will slot in as and when, maybe stem from my classical reputation...
And healing... How on earth can I make money from this, will I ever?!! I think I will, but I have to sort out the music and establish that securely first otherwise I will always regret it. Which leaves driving... That's another thing I could add to my budget... Having spent 3 years draining my Dad dry to learn (lol) it seems silly not to use that too... If I could share Davey's car or get my own Eco car then I would be happy... Even an electrical car? The planet will invent and distribute the new technology on time.. It has to, we're doomed to succeed...?
As always, focus on mothering, healing, meditation, nurturing, relationships... Maybe that's it for me too as well as PB - getting relationship circle rearranged adequately, then I will be using my time effectively enough spiritually to fit work in properly? I really can't envision myself having time for daily singing practice, but I don't seem to need daily practice - my voice seems to work better with gradual fine tuning and attention - I can sing higher more easily since I stopped pushing it for hours on end... But then, my stamina could be better, I need to keep on top of that in case I'm asked to do something at the last minute.. Mind you, I WAS asked to do something at the last minute, literally the day before and I sight read it brilliantly and got a great review!
Now I've learned my lesson about spontaneity, confidence, and spiritual assistance in performances.. I think! I now need to remember performing, entertaining, making people laugh is as good as making them cry and sigh!
OMG is Anthpny K a spiritualist? What an opening line to his autobiography...'It seems clear to me that on some level, spirits choose their parents, because these potential parents possess certain traits and values that the soon-to-be child needs to assimilate during his or her lifetime..' Spooky, chills down my spine...why doesn't he write more spiritual lyrics then? Maybe trauma release and expression clearing out, maybe the spiritualwill come with age or maybe it has, I mean 'I'm a little pea' is pretty profound in a childlike (the ultimate best) way.
I'm seeing a pattern here then... Billy Corgan, Anthony Kiedis, Robbie Williams, Tony Blair, Neil Hannon, Cerys Matthews, Tom Cruise... Do all my favourite celebrities has spiritual and philosophical leanings? Is this why they're my favourite celebrities? I know PB has written of not seeing out of the ordinary colours around celebrities, but here I wonder, how many of my gave celebrities could awaken to use their influence for more good - many already have through their work and lyrics..
