Save Our Bees!

Please save our bees!

And all our lovely insects - butterflies, flies, wasps, worms...

All are important and play vital roles in creating the food we eat,

In world food prices, in combating world poverty.



Some Ideas...(I try and live by these and I find them to be very successful!)

1. Do Not Kill
2. Create Insect Friendly Habitat
3. Buy Ethically & Boycott
4. Sign Petition
5. Campaign for Change
6. Communicate Locally

1. Do not kill insects except for in real threats of illness, injury or death 
to you, or in severe infestations where humane methods don't work.

Alternative Methods:

-Watch the insect. See its beauty. Make friends with it! In the peace and stillness, connect to it with your heart. Observe its reactions - as your feelings soften, does the insect pick up on it?

-Gently blow the insect away with love

-Create a breeze with a piece of paper to gently direct the insect somewhere, eg. out of the door (waft the paper 1 foot away from it - do not ever hit the insect, there's no need and it could damage them).

-Put a glass very carefully over it, minding its legs completely. Once more, wiggle, vibrate or sing gently into the glass to get it to move out of the way without fear as you slide a sheet of card or paper underneath.

-Place the insect in an appropriate habitat. Eg. on a ladybird house or on a stick that leads into one of the ladybird house tubes.
Or on a warm sunny, high up rock.
Or on a warm sunny leaf.
Etc! It might indicate where it wants to go, or intuition or angels may help in these area.

-Get or encourage a balance of insects - a foodchain. Natural pest control eg. ladybirds to eat the aphids, spiders and birds to eat the flies, etc!


2. Make Your Garden Insect Friendly!

Get or build an insect house
log piles
pond
let bits of your garden grow wild - this encourages native insect friendly plants - weeds.

Do your research - some plants are a nuisance, yet keeping a little bit in your garden if you have the time to cut it back, can be a wonderful thing to do.

3. Buy Organic and Ethical. Boycott Insect Harming Products!

Trust that if you invest your energy ethically, (money's one of many forms of energy), it may come back to you (this is the essence of the first lesson of the recession that came through me at the start, through channeling and intuition. I am revising this lesson and I believe it still!).

4. Sign my Petition!

I'll update this blog once I have one up and running.

5. Campaign for Change!

Talk passionately about how you feel to everyone you feel like - family and friends, strangers, etc!

Self Realisation - I Am a Small Stuff Person

Is it possible to say that my innate soul quality is that of being excellent at dealing with small detail?

I believe so, yet I would like to believe that I can be equally great at dealing with the big stuff!

I would like to believe that we all should develop both!

Anyway, whatever the answer is, the small stuff is strong right now in my life!

Diary Entry:

Spiritual Journal 31st March 2012

---Peace - Patience - Time---

Emotional targets - accept Mum snd guides and all into this fold :-)

---Insects and Moss/Lichen---

Why have I created two albums?

Not just a hobby - a specialism.

I specialise, as a soul, in the smallest of detail. 'Peace and tranquility enables me in my lifestyle to slow down and view the smallest particle...' (Guide).

I am a soul who specialises in small detail viewing. Hence my eyesight probs ;-) Close up phone and camera...

I am great, therefore, with:

--Insect Conservation
--Shells
--Rocks
--Plant Identification

--Aura Viewing - the smallest problems of a person are no trouble - they matter in the grand scheme of things!

--Motherhood - I deal with the small stuff. Matt and Jae with the big stuff? I think Davey's a small stuff person. And definitely Kevin and Cathy :-) John Robert's definitely a big stuff person :-) and Dean!

--I deal with the small stuff that matters! The small stuff that just provides the right healing!

--Small People - I specialise in foetuses! I look after the small.

--I am the Protector of the Small!
The bullied. The disadvantaged. Those without a voice!

--Vocal Training - I excel in teaching through physiology here! And technical exercises!

--Singing - I love to work with the fine details of ornamentation! Of perfect text translation! Of shades of pronunciation! Of interpretation!

--Meditation - My recordings have to be perfect :-)

(Aura Viewing - particle viewing should come easily but I'm not drawn to that right now)

My lovely weekend and four days in Derbyshire and Staffordshire Moorlands :-)

Nature Blog

My first....

I am so so glad I saw hawfinches finally! And with the right person - the person I always meant to share them with...to share it all with, in Cromford.

Hawfinches...bramblings...a bullfinch, jays, a siskin, buzzards, goldcrests galore! What an amazing weekend! What an amazing four days :-)

And not just the birds, bien sûr...Oh the company was so splendid... I couldn't have asked for better... Absolutely perfect. Perfectly planned. And I planned it! And J planned a lot too! Teamwork - amazing. Wonderful sharing, togetherness, love and support....

Thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Self Expression

This is becoming a more and more difficult issue for me right now.

As I sit in front of the computer screen, the day before a job interview of sorts, thoughts circle around in my head... who is reading this? What do they think when I read it? If people google this, will it affect my chances of getting the job?

It's just so awful.  We should be able to say what we want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

Of course, there's hurting and there's mildly upsetting etc. and we can't keep everything inside.  We have to talk about stuff.  And I have no one to talk to.  Absolutely bloody no one.

Not properly.  There's no one that I can feel I can say everything to.  Without guilt.  Or being interrupted.  The interrupting thing has got better.  I need to acknowledge that.  In fact now I understand something related to that.  That makes sense.

I did ask to have a counsellor in my life, someone I can talk to forever.  But it hasn't..quite worked.  Almost.  Maybe I need to remember how to talk.  To interrupt people.  I don't know.

Writing is just easier but so many people seem to freak out when I put my personal stuff in the public sphere.  I feel it's important though.  I hate secrecy! I always have! Ok, we mustn't say nasty things to people.  Although if they've hurt us, we should discuss it nicely.

But I don't know.

If I don't keep writing and writing and writing although I feel like a nutter, all these thoughts are just going round in my head with absolutely no one to listen except the spirit guides who, even they stress me out by judging and offering advice.  I don't want advice sometimes, I just want someone to listen.

But then I am so used to being judged and criticised that when it stops happening I barely notice, or I don't know how to react to it.  I have an automatic guilt timer switch that comes on after I've said just a few sentences because that's usually when most people interrupt me.  Or even just after a few words.

Maybe what I have to say just isn't interesting.  Maybe no body really truly cares.  Now I am overanalysing I know it.  But I still feel sad.  John Robert always used to say 'You want the bloody moon on a stick, woman!' I used to thwack him for that ;-) But maybe that's what women do.  They want things.  They want to change things.  On a small behavioural level because traditionally women have always done that through behaviourally training the children.  It's natural for them to extend this to partners because that protects her, and if she has a child, the child too.  Creates harmony and a perfect society on a truly microcosmic level. (macro? I get mixed up)

I have such low confidence.  I am trying to overcome it, gloss over it, ignore it by keeping busy, by telling myself that the more I focus on my negative emotions the more they'll magnify... But I do have low confidence and I desperately, desperately need approval, praise, compliments and encouragement. 

There it's said.  I think that's actually the root of my sad feeling right there.  In my tummy. And heart and tiny tears.

Initial Draft of Blog Introduction - 8th March 2012

I seem to be out of my depressed phase now! Of course, more ups and downs will come. I guess some are inevitable in life but of course it's how we handle them, and keep ourselves balanced etc that counts.

But for the meantime, let's start an exciting new project!

Well, really, I started about a month ago and here are some of the published results!

I'm very very excited about it all. I'll tell you a story about how it began.

Well, actually, where to begin? If I start with my conception we'll be here a long time!

I could even start from the Big Bang but I'm not up to scratch on all that stuff.

So for now, I'll put the other week.

I was walking on a lovely outing to Rainham Marshes RSPB reserve with my lovely partner.

Backtracking a little, Imbolc this year has brought some unexpected new beginnings! And very exciting ones. I expected 2012 to be a career year for me, but not one for a new relationship, but I'm really glad and I feel like I'm finally opening up to the real me through all this.

I seem to have been on an everlasting quest now to find the real me, or in many ways, to rediscover the real me.

After seven to nine years of training to be a spiritual healer and never quite getting there even now to do it full time for a full professional wage, as I had envisioned (it's mainly working for free until I get insured and/or people come through with orders), all of a sudden, sitting in Rainham Marshes' bird hide looking through my own, borrowed pair of binoculars for one of the first occasions in many years (perhaps ten or more), I cried.

I had a visitation that set this off. I've had problems with my eyes on and off that I tend to ignore and this winter, the amount of time spent indoors staring at an iPhone screen had taken its toll. As I've been retraining my muscles gradually through looking through binoculars, looking at the sky, focusing on birds far away, and training my rods and cones to increase their sensitivity to colour at that distance and light exposure, I had a gentle, loving, angelic visitation to my right.

The angel appeared in the form of my best and dear friend Phil, and also my lovely Dad. It was a combination of energies mixed into one person. (It's very clever how they do this!) Maybe I could thank Karl Jung for the stimulus for this idea too.

The being said 'Natty.' 'You can do it!'

It made me cry so much, quietly! Inside.

I realised I'd been feeling a pressure in my brow and eye chakras that wasn't just about eyesight. As the muscles released a long period of tension and the voice said 'You can do it Natty!' just like Phil or Dad would (as Dad used to say when I fell behind, as I always did, in hillwalking, I cried and realised how low in ability I'd been feeling.

At that moment, I realised that I'd never before considered conservation as a career perhaps owing to confidence issues. Pure and simple. Reflecting further, I have confidence issues here there and everywhere and I have been working on these for a good six months and more.

The beautiful experience planting trees together the previous day had also changed me, permanently, I feel.
I go through so many phases of learning, like a child learns (which is a good way of learning), and I always feel hanging over my head that awful death sentence put upon Geminis: the label of a jack of all trades.  Some astrologers believe that all Geminis or people with a strong Geminian/Mercurial (and thus Virgo?) influence have a tendency to be a jack of all trades.  But I think there's nothing wrong with being one as long as you harness its full creative potential - wholism.  All knowing, all seeing, all understanding.  And incredible management skills on the mental level. I think people shouldn't be negative about it.

Yet I am currently dealing with conflict in this area of my life. I have to, on a termly or half termly basis, review my goals and priorities and scarily, each time I do I find that the goalposts have moved, again.  I do need to focus, focus, focus to a degree.  Reassess my original purpose, how far I have come towards achieving it and ask myself without being afriad, is it still what I want? I will probably find that it is.  I normally do.

But this one's here to stay.

The real work is saving the planet.

I'm now feeding our garden birds and my purpose is to invite new and old bird friends back into the garden. To do this, I am now regularly cleaning the garden, providing a balanced meal for the birdies (see my research into nutrition came in useful!), researching into specific foods and environments that attract certain neglected species, and working on observation and identification, recording what I've found.

I couldn't have done this without you John.

It's so hard for me to be myself when there's no one around to be an inspiration. A role model. A supporting caring like-minded person. So thank you <3

Even last year, last winter, spring and summer, you were such an inspiration to me with your photos, posts, and lovely chats! And also the cool insect dude Malcolm whom I met over the internet who helped me with moth and stick insect identification (it turned out none were stick insects ;-) ).

So here I am. Conserving. Could I call myself a conservationist? I would love to. I almost cry at the thought of it. A long buried dream I thought I could never achieve. I always dreamed of being a vet or rescuing animals and birds.... Not nasty medication stuff or surgery :-P although maybe I could handle that now I'm older and wiser!

I suppose I also need to thank my ex. Although he tried to stop me from doing meditation and spiritual healing, often belittled me for spending too much time caring for insects, cooked me meat, cheese, desserts and eggs when he knew I didn't agree with eating them and was too vulnerable and ill to make my own meals, at least he and his family taught me about plants and foraging. A lot. And they have a lovely bird feeding situation.

So, successes in my first month or two!

1. Attracted goldfinches back to the garden. Up to 7 of them.

2. Attracted greenfinches back to the garden. 2 to 3 of them.

3. Deeply cleaned everything!

4. Found out about which foods certain birds like.

5. Increased and revised my knowledge of many species.

6. Learned some things about laying a hedge and protecting saplings!

7. Discovered a cool new website to record sightings - iSpot.

8. Discovered how amazing the Thames estuary is for waders and more besides! I would never have known.

9. Rejoined the RSPB and rejoined my daughter to the RSPB. She now proudly says 'I am the bird protector!'

10. Opened up a new pattern within mine and my daughter's lives (and others who are of course influenced), of non-materialism. Which is so, so welcome. I've been wanting to move away from materialism and overspending for so long and finally, it is possible.

11. Healed confidence issues surrounding my abilities in these areas and begun to consider how I could develop wildlife and nature work as a career path.

12. Channeled mostly, 'Redeveloped wonderful links with the angels and devas who assist humans, animals, insects and birds in working together in harmony, and healing each other. Together we connected and we worked to bring wildlife back into Narnie's garden. Our garden. The garden of life.'

13. I have been learning how to keep a log of wildlife sightings! And I've really been enjoying making my own special system!

Bird Journal - 8th March 2012

Bird Journal

12:00 -
Coal Tit? Wasn't impressed with the food on offer! Tried peanut feeder, then wild seed feeder, didn't try nyjer feeder or fat balls and didn't try bird table, maybe because blackbird was on there.

Blackbird, male
He was happily feeding from the bird table. What a clever birdy!

I heard the call of another bird but didn't know what it was. Re do re do re do pause, quite fast

A quick scroll down my iSpiny reveals that I often hear bluetits in hedges and trees; great tits are probably the birds I hear echoing across the valley/distance at the top of trees, I think (minor, sometimes major third), I may be mistaking robins for willow warblers and even dunnocks as the calls are quite similar. That new call I heard lately that I thought might be a new robin call, sounds like a dunnock, and another sounds like a willow warbler. But will see. The call of the white throat also sounds familiar yet I don't recall ever seeing one!
Wren and coal tit also sound familiar, particularly coal tit.

It's hard to say. Overload now.

Definite characteristics:

Tiny garden or garden-sized birds sound like robins or tits: high pitched, warbling, tuneful.  Nicest for humans who like to choose favourite species at time based on aesthetic merit ...
In a non sceptical way, a nice companion for a lone human on a lonely day, in a garden, wood or meadow. Are such birds concentrated more near human or animal company?

Finches are a bit different with maybe double tones/harmonics. Something about forests and large bills for nuts maybe.

Jays and corvids are lower. Purpose - scaring away. Managing folds. A bit like sheepdogs or dogs barking.

Birds of prey and sea birds are distinctive high screeches without a warble. The function - carrying over a distance. Or result of travelling long distance open desolate spaces without music or verbal stimulation from humans. Or vice versa. Did birds teach us or did we teach them, or bit of both? Does bird song evolve?

That'll do for now...

12:25 No new birds! All quiet! Maybe I should put the mealworms out.

12:37 No new birds yet! Three or more singing in bushes and trees somewhere.

A bird sang with semitones: Ror do ror do ror do...

I put out mealworms and to my sheer delight, the safflower seeds I put out yesterday are already snaffled up! They are not on the lawn which means they are just as popular, in the back garden, as the mealworms!
They are all over the front lawn however. Maybe the birds haven't discovered that table yet, it's too close to the road or not clean enough for them (it needs a new tray really, I scrubbed the wood but it still looks skanky, and I haven't scrubbed it for 2 weeks).

I put a third fat ball in the black rectangular grate feeder thingy. To see if smaller birds with tinier feet will go for it. Wish me luck!

Peanuts still unpopular, will clean feeder and restock before weekend. Not sure what with just yet.

Will Google 'mixed nuts for birds' and see if it looks safe.

Bird Log - 7th March 2012

Bird Log 7th March 2012

10:10 Starling - Fatball
Dunnock - Ground

10:18
Dunnock back again.
3 goldfinches landed and flew away

I cleaned the bird things for half an hour then...

11:00
2 greenfinches and 1 possible young greenfinch and a female chaffinch appeared!!!

2 male and female adult greenfinches were on the nyjer feeder, 1 young greenfinch was on the seed feeder (finally one of the birds is blinkin' using it!!) and the chaffinch was on the bird table. I think they did swap a bit, and before I restocked, I'd noticed that the safflower seeds had all gone! In fact, all the bird seed had gone! Husks were in their place so they are definitely picking up the seeds ok and dehusking them, the husks neatly stuck in the tiny holes of the feeding table's mesh.

(The RSPB or other source recommended a feeder in case the birds choked, although this may have been more for peanuts, but I wasn't sure and had no more feeders left, wasn't sure what shape to use etc and the birds only really seem to use the nyjer feeder so far, they haven't really got used to the others or something.)

The fat balls are popular again since I had a few days break of putting mealworms out, (due to fine weather and being busy).

Now I've put out the mealworms, will those lazy starlings abandon the fatballs and guzzle the mealworms?

I'm still debating whether to put two more fatballs in the large rectangular mesh feeder, which supposedly is better for the birds' feet. I haven't noticed any birds getting their feet stuck in the traditional fat ball mesh yet, however only the starlings really use it. I am worried the food would go to waste and the birds wouldn't come, but maybe I could try it.

The peanuts definitely are not to the birds' tastes, so I'll throw those out I guess. Not sure what to replace them with as can't afford any more bird food for a good month, mind you peanuts aren't that expensive from the market, but I still want to buy an organic nut mix for them. It sounds crazy maybe and I've never heard of it before, but I worry about toxins for the little birdies.

I personally can't stand the taste of peanuts. They're so vile and bitter... Sometimes I can cope with them! Eg. I barely notice in chocolates, so perhaps it depends on the source and cooking method. But my feeling is that because of the overpopularity of the nuts, like wheat they've been severely overfarmed, in incredibly unethical ways, eg. too fast, too cheap, even inhumane or slave labour, with toxic chemicals to unnaturally speed up production.

And that's why they taste bitter and the energy/angel and my own inner angel interpreting around them is telling me:

'Don't go there. Get some nice hazelnuts, fairtrade brazil nuts, shelled macadamias... the things you like the taste of and would happily eat yourself (wholefood wise) the birds will too'.

I am so glad to have seen the greenfinches today! Ha! Mum only said to me yesterday 'Are you SURE they weren't female chaffinches? I'VE never seen any greenfinches in the garden. Greenfinches are almost bright yellow!' Well ha, yes they were. Back again and feeding happily, even though I was there with my bucket and scrubbing brush, almost as a gift from God and the angels, or from their own greenfinch inner angels. I could havd cried perhaps but not feeling emotional today, too busy to be emotional. Which is itself an unusual feeling - I had forgotten what being this busy felt like.

Oo the dunnock is back. It's 11:18. He or she is hopping around. Very cautious, looking around for Santa the cat I assume! He doesn't seem fussy about what he eats as such. I want him to hop onto the table which he's learned to do lately. Which is brilliant, because I'm not allowed to scatter seeds on the ground in case of mice and rats, so I'm relying on the ground feeders' ingenuity in hopping onto the bird table, and the finches' and starlings' clumsiness in scattering spare seeds onto the ground... and the occasional slip of my hand. Or Lizzy's.

He flew away, then came back and brought his friend the blackbird.

It is a quiet garden I think.

We seem to have 2 near resident chaffinches, 1 or 2 dunnocks, a family of wrens have apparently moved in, (martins come and nest in summer), 2 blackbirds, 1-2 bluetits, 1-2 great tits, 2-6 starlings, 2-3 greenfinches as newcomers, 6-7 goldfinches as newcomers, the occasional pigeon family member and rare squirrel. I think this is quiet. There are apparently few trees up here and that's why. Perhaps the female birds are also nesting today.

Bird Log - Garden - 29th February 2012

Bird Log 29th February 2012

Garden Biddulph Moor

10:15-10:25

Starling - 1 on newest fatball. He perched on the ring just below it so new position may be helpful.

Goldfinches - 2 on nyger feeder
(2 more in hedge?)
Flew away when Mum arrived

Tit - On new seed feeder, quickly. Possibly twice. Too quick for ident.

Dunnock - Flew to top of tree then down to ground below feeding station to peck for a bit

Blackbird - On next door's roof

Robin - Audible, on next door's roof

Crows - 2 flew overhead

Chaffinch - 1 male on seed tray/dish

Unknown Tit -
Blue Tit or
Great Tit

Black stripe through the eye
Pale (grey) patch at back of head
Flattened head like blue tit and tiny beak
Narrow black stripe down belly (not as thick as on adult great tit)
Blue and yellow markings
No white bits on wings or tail
Appeared to be small

Starling Came back later to fatball again

Chaffinches came back later twice

Blackbird came back later

Dunnock came back later

Poem from Rainham - 22nd February 2012

This poem was written on the day when my partner and I visited Rainham Marshes RSPB Reserve.
It was a fantastic day.  Longer than I'd been out in a while and nice to increase my stamina to what it used to be! Although in a different way this time, because it's quite a stationary thing, bird watching.  Not that I'm unaccustomed to stationary - my last 4 years of life have been stationary what with having tiny Beth to look after! She doesn't walk quickly and likes to stop and observe everything she sees - a born birdwatcher and conservationist I hear you say ;-)

This day marks a pivotal point in my life.  A turning point I will always remember.  All my life.
The real change began the day before actually, when John kindly invited me into his fold of happy conservationists at Roding Valley Nature Reserve.  I felt truly honoured to be invited to plant trees with them, the purpose being to lay a hedge.  This was something I had never done before and I felt so touched to be part of it all.  I have dreamed of planting trees with other people for about 10 years and have sadly never had the chance to do it.  I didn't know anyone else who was into it.  It's all about community.

To digress, as I do, community is the main theme for my life this past 6 months and even before.  The past year and a half, since November 2010.  Finding a community of like minded individuals.  But as I am finding, we have to know who we are first, so that we know who to look for!!!  This has taken me a silly amount of time to learn but never mind, I'm nearly there! One day I will go to Greece I hope.  Or anywhere.  A conservation holiday, trip, experience - something.  To really connect.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Rainham Poem

To feel the air through my lungs...
To hear the rush of the deep wind,
The cry and twitter of the birds...
To see the most beautiful new creatures...
To be in the most wonderful company!
It was lovely...

I cried as I remembered the past... a visitation of two people, energies long gone, that are since revived thanks to the connection from above! Great spiritual healer visited me in a remote bird hide and helped me to remember...'Natty....Natty...You can do it!' Just those words made me cry! Straight to my brow chakra and self worth, confidence issues regarding birding...It almost was as if, and they (the guiding angels) say it did - the muscle usage of looking afar for so long, through the binoculars at birds, the skies, far off into the distant skies and waters for a ling period of time, opened up a muscle memory, an emotional memory, a vision...

Phil and Daddy - 'Natty!'
'You can do it!'

Phil, Andrew, Dad are wondering where I am...

New!!! Natty's Bird, Wildlife, and Nature Blog! (And probably other stuff too!)

I am proud and pleased to announce that, thanks to the fabulous support, inspiration, teaching and help from my gorgeous boyfriend, I now feel very confident in getting back into nature but this time, with a difference!

This time, it's personal.

Joke ;-) I am now doing stuff like.....writing a bird log - a proper well-organised log of sighting dates and times, numbers, attempted identification of species, gender, age, etc. and recording exactly what they've been eating and how.

This isn't anal - it's helping me to learn exactly how much food and what kind of food to give them so that no money or food is wasted.  I have very little money and even when I do, I hate waste - ecology etc!

Conservation as a career? Moi? Well I certainly got into it back when we were living in Geoffrey Road, Sparkhill.  That was a thoroughly crap and depressing time of my life family-wise filled with arguments, and horrible things but... I am currently remembering the GOOD stuff.  How I learned to connect with insects and heal my fear and past life connections with them, learning to conserve them etc.  How I found the therapeutic effect of gardening - touching and working the earth with my bare hands.  Really connecting on a deep level when necessary.

I never realised you could get paid for this stuff! I thought it was all voluntary somehow.
I've always enjoyed gardening with my Grandma, rescuing wildlife if I found it, (although sadly little opportunity there - I always wanted to do much more so I used to fantasise about rescuing and nurturing animals and people instead).

It has been crazy, I must say - I don't know how I'm gonna get there but I'm starting small and step by step.  Of course I'm not going to abandon the spiritual healing.  This will be integrated in and it already has been doing over a number of years eg. work with the beings that assist us in this area, often called angels, devas, fairies etc., working as a medium and healer with pets etc.

So here we go.  Posts coming up and I will try and put them in order.
I know this blog is very important for me and I can understand why my boyfriend and other nature lovers do it now.  It's not just for people to read.  As with all my blogs, it's for me.  Having spent the whole bloody day nearly on my own, I have had so many thoughts and I just have to have an outlet.  To process.  To understand things as a whole.  And this is why diary writing is so therapeutic.

But I am also finding that, being largely on my own as per usual in this new hobby, through writing about all this, what I've seen and when, it really helps me to reflect on my progress and to create new ideas.  It's like talking to myself.  Supporting myself.  Connecting with angels and devas etc. when needed.

So here goes.  Scary woo...

Let's post some more of my depressing poetry. Because people love depression. And maybe crying out for help works.

A running theme this season. My soul no longer wants to be a butterfly. I want to be an eagle.

Or perhaps no...

The Butterfly

I am a butterfly. I am sensitive, easily bruised and damaged. Easily scared away. I seek the highest harmony and beauty. I shy away from the slightest danger, death, destruction, pain, people hurting me emotionally...
This is, of course, normal and healthy for a lady or feminine, healing aspect of the soul in a dangerous world full of violence, misogyny, mistreatment of animals, denigration of women, of love itself, of care and nurture, and of course the denigration of men too which, sadly, I do hear now and then.
But...

Of course...

The world is beautiful and safe...



The Eagle

The new soul symbol that has emerged for me since January 28th is the eagle. (And the dragon).
I didn't like him at first!!!
Now I have written many poems. 
The emerging theme seems to be fierceness, loneliness, adventurousness, travelling far to the mountains - my heart land? My soul's true homeland? A dark cave of self healing the deep inner pain. A place only I can go, alone... It is my destiny as an eagle to be fierce and alone yet, I long for company, for the protective love of the father (symbolically). Father eagle... <3 Here they are: The Great Eagle Father

Tonight, this eagle wants to fly home.

Home to the nest.

To be greeted by the welcoming outstretched wing of the eagle father.

To be enfolded in the loving, protective embrace...

2nd March 2012

God the Father

God the Father
God the Daughter
God the Loving Spirit

God... I need the energy of the father in my life. Dark, comforting, loving, steadfastly so. Big strong, steadfast love. A big strong hand of love and confidence on my back. A rub on the shoulders. A loving word whispered. To be held, for so long, and stroked. To be kissed, on the head. To be protected. Enfolded.

2nd March 2012

The sun is glorious. The air is sweet. And I can only think of you...

And vast plains of mudflats, stretching out forever...

The fresh, sweet wind...

The deep blue skies stretching on forever, to eternity...

3rd March 2012 (Excerpt)

My heart is like a caged bird<\b>

My heart is like a caged bird.
Wings clipped.
Back bruised.
Feathers falling out,
I try to cry out, but cannot.
I see a beautiful glimmer of hazy light,
Faint above me.
Is it there, or am I imagining?
I do not know anymore.
I do not know if I believe in magic anymore.
The magic.
Yet I want to.
I feel so lonely.
I know there are others there, but it's not enough.
It feels selfish. I feel guilty and ashamed. 
But there's only one person I want.
The sun.
I want to return to the sun again finally.

3rd March 2012

And in these dark times,
When I feel surrounded by those that hate me.
Oppressed by an aura of fear, guilt and hate, 
I close my eyes and remember those that loved me.
Moments of love. Golden aura.
I dream of a time, of a place where everyone loves me.

3rd March 2012

Great Eagle Soul

Carry me away from here.
Enwrap me in your darkest wings
and carry me away, high into the mountains.
I cannot be here any more.

3rd March 2012

Rescue Me

Rescue me.
Hold me up when I can support myseld no longer,
Enfold your arms around me with loving assistance.
Because I can manage no longer.

3rd March 2012

Inner Pain Poem & Reflection, February 5th 2012

I don't really feel this way anymore.
Although I do feel a deep ache,
deep down.
But I felt that maybe by posting this,
by not hiding or being ashamed of my pain
any longer, I would finally be able to move on.
Because I want to move on now.
Move out. Move through, leave.
Leave Mummy's nest. It's springtime.

Reflecting back on what I wrote a month ago
(how time flies! Like the albatross)
I am coming to understand love as a conscious
choice. Partly!

And I still feel... Love us a feeling we can and
must feel for everyone at points.

The difference with being in love, perhaps then,
is a conscious choice to feel that love we normally
feel for everyone with increased depth, intensity,
and time. Time because it can involve thinking of
that person more. Or dedicating more of our time to
that person in any terms - contact, thought, deed,
visiting, etc.

But then... I could be wrong. Maybe all of that isn't
necessary always. Maybe love just is. Msybe you can't
word it or quantify it all the time.

Matty said on Wednesday 'Love is commitment'.
We didn't half argue about that one!
He bit my ear off over it for a good hour
the ratbag ;-)

I tried to argue that sometimes we commit out of
a sense of duty. A carer for a disabled brother
may be hitting their disabled brother. How is that love?
Of course, love may have been their initial motivation
and they may still feel love deep down, in the seed
of their heart. It's just that stress, through overwork,
and negative attitudes built up as a result of overwork
and a lifetime of stress, have clouded the horizon of
their heart.

Just as, with Matt, I felt resentment through years of stress
and mistreatment had built up so much as to obscure
the light of love entirely like a black cloud on the
horizon.

Mind you it can't be just that because although love has certainly
returned between me and Matt now time has eased the resentment and stress,
it's not couple love
anymore for me. I don't think it can be ever again.
That's the kind of thing you can't define.
You just have to trust your inner feeling.

---------------------------
Anyway, the poem from February:

When all else fails, a poem.

"Only in silence, the word; 
Only in dark, the light; 
Only in dying, life: 
Bright the hawk's flight 
on the empty sky" 

The Creation of Éa


Today, my wounded soul will fly.
A tortured eagle, lonely, abandoned.
A battle scarred dragon, retreating to the nest.
High, in a cave on the mountains.
I can confess to noone my deepest inner pain. No more. It seems to create more pain and suffering.
Pain can only be silent, for a while.
I have failed, again. Deeply failed.
I am alone again.


I gave my heart, my soul, my everything again.
But no one wants my heart. No one wants my soul. No one wants my everything.
Everyone just wants a piece of me. A part. And perhaps this is normal. Perhaps this is life.
But I just wanted to give everything I had to one person.
Isn't that normal too?
I wish I could express this but I fear that, through expressing this, I will ruin my already ruined chances of an everlasting love even further.
And thus, the pain is contained.
Expressing my sadness seemed to be working so well. Until this week.

I have so much to give.
I wish someone wanted what I have to give.
I must be so wrong, so stupid.
I haven't felt this way in years. Or at least, I can't remember having felt this way, this deeply since...

In some strange ways, the way I feel this week - the way I perceive my past - I actually have begun to think that I only ever deeply loved one person in my entire life. Until now.

'Now' being a funny word. When that love is rejected, unwanted, where can it go? Can it survive?

My love, largely unwanted, is turning inward once more. Into my tortured heart cave. The bosom of myself.

Will my love die, nestling, churning in this bosom?

Will I die?

I know I will survive. I always do. Although I have come close, in my darkest of hours, to perishing before, with great fortune, I have been one of the lucky ones. Angels didn't rescue me in my darkest moments even though I wanted them to. Perhaps a violent argument was too dark a path for even an angel to tread. I was bloody lucky, although much misfortune befell me.

Will my love survive?

I hope so. But I need another soul to feed it. Too much anguish has been caused to me in the name of unrequited love? Yet... Perhaps I could. Perhaps only when love is unrequited one can truly feel its depth. Perhaps only when we feel unworthy, we truly want to become perfect. Sacrifice all to win love.

I am imperfect. Maybe I do need to change, to win love. Maybe this is the only way.

O for this to become the greatest love of my life. That is what I wish. To feel what I felt for... him again. I cannot speak his name, like Voldemort. He is the Voldemort of my heart.

You would not believe that I have been committed and married for 4 years, in other long term relationships for 2 years, and yet actually, I think the deepest love I ever felt was not for any of these people.

I wonder if he even knows? Deep in his eagle's cave. Would he care to know? Would it be beneficial to tell him?

I think he pretty much still hates me. But maybe it's just the way his depression makes him behave that makes me think that. I always have to call him etc. Doesn't reply to my messages. He doesn't put the phone down on me though.

The Voldemort of my heart - he taught me so much. I almost want to call him she, because in essence, he taught me so much about femininity. About my feminine soul. More than anyone has, apart from maybe my daughter and ex husband. He taught me my first lesson. The essence of what I needed to know.

I loved him with a depth that I hitherto could not have fathomed. It hurt. It ached. It pulsed. It drained me at times! It was my life. I waited... and waited... and waited... and waited, with the utmost faith, devotion and loyalty.

Last night, in my waking evening dreams, I had a conversation with him. One of those many conversations that I can never have with him in real life because he hates me and won't open up to me ever again? Maybe I should try with that one...

So I said to him, to....A. That I was so glad to have finally found another like him. Like he. I had waited for so long to find another like he...

Yet can I survive? Can I make it? Can I prove myself? Can I be perfect enough? Can I change enough? This time...

February 5th 2012

Actually maybe I'll keep this as my rough, work-in-progress blog

Here's todays's inner pain.
Maybe this can be my inner pain blog.

My heart is like a caged bird

(A sort of opposé parody of 'Birthday' by Christina Rosetti, a song I wanted to put on Sound Cloud in time for Valentine's Day, dedicated to my new darling beloved, but unfortunately I got some notes wrong on the recording and Dad's back was too sore and he was too grumpy to accompany me anymore. Story of my life :-( ).

My heart is like a caged bird.
Wings clipped.
Back bruised.
Feathers falling out,
I try to cry out, but cannot.
I see a beautiful glimmer of hazy light,
Faint above me.
Is it there, or am I imagining?
I do not know anymore.
I do not know if I believe in magic anymore.
The magic.
Yet I want to.
I feel so lonely.
I know there are others there, but it's not enough.
It feels selfish. I feel guilty and ashamed. 
But there's only one person I want.
The sun.
I want to return to the sun again finally.
Twelve months ago (must be a planetary return?) I wrote and drew that everyone needs a sun to revolve around.
I loved the idea that we as humans work best when our lives model the very solar system, the universe.
We are the sun. That great, glowing, golden hot star. Our friends, our lovers are planets and bodies revolving around us, and they too can be a sun in our lives.
But we can only have one true sun. (Can we? Are their solar systems with two suns? I love triple moon imaginings)
I can only have one sun. Even if I am not wanted as a sun, which I feel I am not.
There can be only one person I think of, every morning, every night. Throughout the day. Only one person I can truly miss and need in those dark moments, those aching moments of loneliness.
And that is being in love, isn't it?
Is it a conscious choice?
Or can't we control who we end up falling in love with?
I'm beginning to feel that it's conscious. Partly.
I could choose to stop feeling this. 
But I choose not to. I want to continue.

Even if I am like Pluto, the dark planet, orbiting far away, erratically from my dear sun.

I do feel complete now my baby girl's here. A golden ray of sunshine in my life. Maybe we can have many suns.

How many suns do I have?
Who would I choose to revolve around?

I need Matty in my life. I need Davey. I need Jay... I need Phil. Colette. Claire. And my family, in smaller doses than I currently have!

I can't seem to take too much of one person. Is this normal? Too much time spent with any one person and it gets too intense. Too negative.

But mind you, the same does happen when I spend too little time with someone! Resentment builds up. Or fear. Guilt. Or paranoia.

Is this normal and all part of the human process?

Is it a result of years of an isolated lifestyle?

Or past trauma, eg. parting on bad terms to begin with?

I think it's just normal.

I think we have to go with our feelings in life in order to create and maintain that delicate, fine balance of planetary and stellar movements.

When we miss someone, call them.

If we don't, don't.

Or something.

How does this work practically? How will I ever manage living with someone full time? Maybe I never will. Travelling enables people to spend time apart. Holidays. Breaks to new places enable fresh perspectives. And people grow and change. I am hoping that this time, we will have many different, wonderful sides to ourselves that we can express to one another. That will be fun. Truly truly fun. Two multi-faceted people together. And apart. A dance of two birds, who fly together for a time in that wonderful wild dance, then one flies, migrates, searches for food...Mother birds also leave their babies in the end, returning, I hope, now and then.

I don't think the solution to my guilt, paranoia, resentment is daily forgiveness, love and trust exercises alone. Although these do help and form an important part.

After all, I wouldn't be where I am now in terms of my consciousness if it weren't for that beautiful message last night from Doreen Virtue and perhaps the angels on Twitter. If it weren't for the wonderful love I've been shown from John, and the wonderful memories I have to hold. They really do help, in moments of darkness and doubt and mistrust - the Valentine's avocet and beautiful message. The calendar now turned to March :-) as one month turns, so love turns. So life turns and progresses. The postcard, now in my handbag to remind me of love...

And the wonderful phone calls.

And the wonderful love and support from Davey, Matty and Phil in this time. And Claire and Colette, Nicky, Hena... But Matty and Davey in particular because it means so mucb to me right now that they still love and support me. It's so magical that our relationships are better now, like this. It does make me worry that there's something wrong with me, that no one can handle constant contact with me. That I'm just too intense. Abhorrent. Wrong. Evil. Unpleasant to be around except in small doses. But maybe it's not true. Maybe I'm just a butterfly, as Davey says.