I seem to be out of my depressed phase now! Of course, more ups and downs will come. I guess some are inevitable in life but of course it's how we handle them, and keep ourselves balanced etc that counts.
But for the meantime, let's start an exciting new project!
Well, really, I started about a month ago and here are some of the published results!
I'm very very excited about it all. I'll tell you a story about how it began.
Well, actually, where to begin? If I start with my conception we'll be here a long time!
I could even start from the Big Bang but I'm not up to scratch on all that stuff.
So for now, I'll put the other week.
I was walking on a lovely outing to Rainham Marshes RSPB reserve with my lovely partner.
Backtracking a little, Imbolc this year has brought some unexpected new beginnings! And very exciting ones. I expected 2012 to be a career year for me, but not one for a new relationship, but I'm really glad and I feel like I'm finally opening up to the real me through all this.
I seem to have been on an everlasting quest now to find the real me, or in many ways, to rediscover the real me.
After seven to nine years of training to be a spiritual healer and never quite getting there even now to do it full time for a full professional wage, as I had envisioned (it's mainly working for free until I get insured and/or people come through with orders), all of a sudden, sitting in Rainham Marshes' bird hide looking through my own, borrowed pair of binoculars for one of the first occasions in many years (perhaps ten or more), I cried.
I had a visitation that set this off. I've had problems with my eyes on and off that I tend to ignore and this winter, the amount of time spent indoors staring at an iPhone screen had taken its toll. As I've been retraining my muscles gradually through looking through binoculars, looking at the sky, focusing on birds far away, and training my rods and cones to increase their sensitivity to colour at that distance and light exposure, I had a gentle, loving, angelic visitation to my right.
The angel appeared in the form of my best and dear friend Phil, and also my lovely Dad. It was a combination of energies mixed into one person. (It's very clever how they do this!) Maybe I could thank Karl Jung for the stimulus for this idea too.
The being said 'Natty.' 'You can do it!'
It made me cry so much, quietly! Inside.
I realised I'd been feeling a pressure in my brow and eye chakras that wasn't just about eyesight. As the muscles released a long period of tension and the voice said 'You can do it Natty!' just like Phil or Dad would (as Dad used to say when I fell behind, as I always did, in hillwalking, I cried and realised how low in ability I'd been feeling.
At that moment, I realised that I'd never before considered conservation as a career perhaps owing to confidence issues. Pure and simple. Reflecting further, I have confidence issues here there and everywhere and I have been working on these for a good six months and more.
The beautiful experience planting trees together the previous day had also changed me, permanently, I feel.
I go through so many phases of learning, like a child learns (which is a good way of learning), and I always feel hanging over my head that awful death sentence put upon Geminis: the label of a jack of all trades. Some astrologers believe that all Geminis or people with a strong Geminian/Mercurial (and thus Virgo?) influence have a tendency to be a jack of all trades. But I think there's nothing wrong with being one as long as you harness its full creative potential - wholism. All knowing, all seeing, all understanding. And incredible management skills on the mental level. I think people shouldn't be negative about it.
Yet I am currently dealing with conflict in this area of my life. I have to, on a termly or half termly basis, review my goals and priorities and scarily, each time I do I find that the goalposts have moved, again. I do need to focus, focus, focus to a degree. Reassess my original purpose, how far I have come towards achieving it and ask myself without being afriad, is it still what I want? I will probably find that it is. I normally do.
But this one's here to stay.
The real work is saving the planet.
I'm now feeding our garden birds and my purpose is to invite new and old bird friends back into the garden. To do this, I am now regularly cleaning the garden, providing a balanced meal for the birdies (see my research into nutrition came in useful!), researching into specific foods and environments that attract certain neglected species, and working on observation and identification, recording what I've found.
I couldn't have done this without you John.
It's so hard for me to be myself when there's no one around to be an inspiration. A role model. A supporting caring like-minded person. So thank you <3
Even last year, last winter, spring and summer, you were such an inspiration to me with your photos, posts, and lovely chats! And also the cool insect dude Malcolm whom I met over the internet who helped me with moth and stick insect identification (it turned out none were stick insects ;-) ).
So here I am. Conserving. Could I call myself a conservationist? I would love to. I almost cry at the thought of it. A long buried dream I thought I could never achieve. I always dreamed of being a vet or rescuing animals and birds.... Not nasty medication stuff or surgery :-P although maybe I could handle that now I'm older and wiser!
I suppose I also need to thank my ex. Although he tried to stop me from doing meditation and spiritual healing, often belittled me for spending too much time caring for insects, cooked me meat, cheese, desserts and eggs when he knew I didn't agree with eating them and was too vulnerable and ill to make my own meals, at least he and his family taught me about plants and foraging. A lot. And they have a lovely bird feeding situation.
So, successes in my first month or two!
1. Attracted goldfinches back to the garden. Up to 7 of them.
2. Attracted greenfinches back to the garden. 2 to 3 of them.
3. Deeply cleaned everything!
4. Found out about which foods certain birds like.
5. Increased and revised my knowledge of many species.
6. Learned some things about laying a hedge and protecting saplings!
7. Discovered a cool new website to record sightings - iSpot.
8. Discovered how amazing the Thames estuary is for waders and more besides! I would never have known.
9. Rejoined the RSPB and rejoined my daughter to the RSPB. She now proudly says 'I am the bird protector!'
10. Opened up a new pattern within mine and my daughter's lives (and others who are of course influenced), of non-materialism. Which is so, so welcome. I've been wanting to move away from materialism and overspending for so long and finally, it is possible.
11. Healed confidence issues surrounding my abilities in these areas and begun to consider how I could develop wildlife and nature work as a career path.
12. Channeled mostly, 'Redeveloped wonderful links with the angels and devas who assist humans, animals, insects and birds in working together in harmony, and healing each other. Together we connected and we worked to bring wildlife back into Narnie's garden. Our garden. The garden of life.'
13. I have been learning how to keep a log of wildlife sightings! And I've really been enjoying making my own special system!
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