Here's todays's inner pain.
Maybe this can be my inner pain blog.
My heart is like a caged bird
(A sort of opposé parody of 'Birthday' by Christina Rosetti, a song I wanted to put on Sound Cloud in time for Valentine's Day, dedicated to my new darling beloved, but unfortunately I got some notes wrong on the recording and Dad's back was too sore and he was too grumpy to accompany me anymore. Story of my life :-( ).
My heart is like a caged bird.
Wings clipped.
Back bruised.
Feathers falling out,
I try to cry out, but cannot.
I see a beautiful glimmer of hazy light,
Faint above me.
Is it there, or am I imagining?
I do not know anymore.
I do not know if I believe in magic anymore.
The magic.
Yet I want to.
I feel so lonely.
I know there are others there, but it's not enough.
It feels selfish. I feel guilty and ashamed.
But there's only one person I want.
The sun.
I want to return to the sun again finally.
Twelve months ago (must be a planetary return?) I wrote and drew that everyone needs a sun to revolve around.
I loved the idea that we as humans work best when our lives model the very solar system, the universe.
We are the sun. That great, glowing, golden hot star. Our friends, our lovers are planets and bodies revolving around us, and they too can be a sun in our lives.
But we can only have one true sun. (Can we? Are their solar systems with two suns? I love triple moon imaginings)
I can only have one sun. Even if I am not wanted as a sun, which I feel I am not.
There can be only one person I think of, every morning, every night. Throughout the day. Only one person I can truly miss and need in those dark moments, those aching moments of loneliness.
And that is being in love, isn't it?
Is it a conscious choice?
Or can't we control who we end up falling in love with?
I'm beginning to feel that it's conscious. Partly.
I could choose to stop feeling this.
But I choose not to. I want to continue.
Even if I am like Pluto, the dark planet, orbiting far away, erratically from my dear sun.
I do feel complete now my baby girl's here. A golden ray of sunshine in my life. Maybe we can have many suns.
How many suns do I have?
Who would I choose to revolve around?
I need Matty in my life. I need Davey. I need Jay... I need Phil. Colette. Claire. And my family, in smaller doses than I currently have!
I can't seem to take too much of one person. Is this normal? Too much time spent with any one person and it gets too intense. Too negative.
But mind you, the same does happen when I spend too little time with someone! Resentment builds up. Or fear. Guilt. Or paranoia.
Is this normal and all part of the human process?
Is it a result of years of an isolated lifestyle?
Or past trauma, eg. parting on bad terms to begin with?
I think it's just normal.
I think we have to go with our feelings in life in order to create and maintain that delicate, fine balance of planetary and stellar movements.
When we miss someone, call them.
If we don't, don't.
Or something.
How does this work practically? How will I ever manage living with someone full time? Maybe I never will. Travelling enables people to spend time apart. Holidays. Breaks to new places enable fresh perspectives. And people grow and change. I am hoping that this time, we will have many different, wonderful sides to ourselves that we can express to one another. That will be fun. Truly truly fun. Two multi-faceted people together. And apart. A dance of two birds, who fly together for a time in that wonderful wild dance, then one flies, migrates, searches for food...Mother birds also leave their babies in the end, returning, I hope, now and then.
I don't think the solution to my guilt, paranoia, resentment is daily forgiveness, love and trust exercises alone. Although these do help and form an important part.
After all, I wouldn't be where I am now in terms of my consciousness if it weren't for that beautiful message last night from Doreen Virtue and perhaps the angels on Twitter. If it weren't for the wonderful love I've been shown from John, and the wonderful memories I have to hold. They really do help, in moments of darkness and doubt and mistrust - the Valentine's avocet and beautiful message. The calendar now turned to March :-) as one month turns, so love turns. So life turns and progresses. The postcard, now in my handbag to remind me of love...
And the wonderful phone calls.
And the wonderful love and support from Davey, Matty and Phil in this time. And Claire and Colette, Nicky, Hena... But Matty and Davey in particular because it means so mucb to me right now that they still love and support me. It's so magical that our relationships are better now, like this. It does make me worry that there's something wrong with me, that no one can handle constant contact with me. That I'm just too intense. Abhorrent. Wrong. Evil. Unpleasant to be around except in small doses. But maybe it's not true. Maybe I'm just a butterfly, as Davey says.
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