Life and Death: A Cheerful Blog!!
Eva Cassidy, Nina Simone, Jeff Buckley, Wolfy Mozart: the world's greatest musicians? Yet they died too young.
The thought came to me yesterday all of a sudden as I struggled to focus myself into compiling a short set list: the songs I felt I must learn, my favourite artists, all died too young.
But did they? If they'd continued to live, would their work have become more and more brilliant, or would it have dwindled in quality a little, as the work of some bands has once they find chart success? Chart success seeming to influence a band in the way of writing popular tunes, mellowing a little somehow.
Or am I being negative or cynical?
Neil Hannon, Matt Bellamy, Björk, after all, are still with us. Bach lived a long life, as did Purcell? Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye...some, if not all, members of RHCP, Smashing Pumpkins.
This comforts me a little.
But I cannot help reflecting on my own life. My talents. What I have to give. When I was young, I had a distinct sense that I would live until I was 70-80 at least, and would try to live longer. I had a distinct feeling that I wanted to, and would marry and have kids young-ish: at the age of about 26, I decided.
Well it ended up being at the age of 24, so I was close. Too young, I now feel but we always look back with regret don't we, it's no use however - I can't change the past and probably couldn't have done if I even went back myself and tried to persuade my wilful past self differently!
But... Why do I feel that I might die young?
Having my handbag stolen by that scary angry man (who looked like he had far more money than me - he could obviously afford to finance his weight-lifting hobby the b***) shocked me. It made me feel vulnerable. Words from 2 weeks prior rang in my ears: to protect me, that my naïveté was almost childlike, that I had to be careful. I felt they were wrong. I felt that if we open our hearts to complete love and trust of humanity, if we look for the seed of good in all others, we will be safe and the angels will help us with this. So the handbag theft, a shock, felt like it was proving her right.
Since then, my attempts to protect myself have dwindled. It was too stressful putting all my energy in to clutching my handbag tight, looking for my possessions all the time. Maybe the angels were even starting to protect or guide me again, now my crown chakra was more open and I was consciously accepting universal help?
And guess what: I lost my handbag again. Was it stolen? I don't know. I didn't even notice where it left me - on the train or in a station?
I don't want to put all my energy into protecting myself, running away, hiding, eating healthily, trying really hard not to spend any money. So I can see that angels or guides might not want to either.
I just want to be. To be myself. I want to be able to sit on the bus and listen to music, play with my phone, without fear of becoming a victim. I don't want to let them beat me.
Donating a kidney... My ex has made me scared again. He would be the only person to say this. He says I have the rest of my life ahead of me, something to live for. Why did him saying that make me feel the opposite? Brought out feelings that I don't have long left. That I have to give and give and give in case I donate a kidney and it kills me.
I do feel that way. I have been living for today for a long time, with no clear vision of the future.
I have been suppressed for so long - your time will come, be patient, don't start to heal others before you're ready, too many people start before their ready, out of their own need rather than the needs of others.
This still makes me cross and now the added idea that I might die any day makes me feel that I must do as much as I can, give as much of my wisdom to the world as possible, before I demise.
Except I now feel I have little of any use to give. I'm just doing it for myself, for my own pleasure, for money. Kind of.
I've lost the sense of my specialness. I don't feel special or unique, world-changing or world-shaping anymore. I don't feel like I have something to give that no-one else could possible give, which fuels me on, to go on living because only I can give it, only I can save the world so that's why I have to keep on living - to save others.
Meditation, Time, Control
We're nearing 2012 and even traditionally sceptical me is beginning to think that something special, an acceleration, might happen. Things are certainly changing bloody quickly in my life!
Christ, I've moved house 3 times in 12 months. Acquired some cats, then had to let them go, hopefully to a better home. Endured marriage break-up, my first flea infestation, gone from looking after my babe 5 days a week to 2 days a week (now increased to 3, maybe 4 hopefully). Gone back to singing and try as I might, I can't just focus on Classical and Baroque. I am just too pulled in the direction of pop, indie, jazz, blues...I've missed it all so much! I spent my degree and postgraduate degree focusing mainly on classical vocal styles and that left me with no time to follow popular musical progression, or even listen to instrumental music.
And I have never fully understood the history of the blues - high school and GCSE education taught me the words, the dates, all about slave emancipation, apartheid etc. but I don't feel I truly understand it all, deep in my heart.
So I am learning to sing a blues scale. To bend blue notes. To identify a blues song by ear and sight, from among all the jazz standards and from among other popular songs in all traditions, and parallels in music from other cultures.
I think I can sing a Lydian scale now! Yay! I never thought I would ever learn the modes. I never thought that I would ever have the brain capacity to extend my knowledge of music theory beyond Grade 5.
Maybe that's it!
I feel guilty - I've spent so long training to be a healer so why an I do eager to gain all these skills I've never had the chance to gain?
I've been advised to focus on just one or two things but I actually can't. Although after that advice, I have found a bit more focus - I've let a few things be until I get others in place.
Secret ambitions?
-Grade 5-8 Piano - Rockschool or ABRSM?
-GCSE German
-Counselling Qualification
-Healing Course - so I have a stable healing technique and structure that I can actually cure others' physical ailments with (yes we're not allowed to promise a cure but we should bloody try otherwise what's the point in being called a healer?!!)
-To Sing and Recognise all the Modes and Jazzy scales from memory in a variety of contexts.
-To bring the beautiful music of Jeff Buckley, Eva Cassidy, Nina Simone, Matt Bellamy and Neil Hannon to my friends, family and audience, and to sing them just for sheer fun! And balls-out experience!
-To work out how to help and cure people who can't sing in tune!
At least I am feeling more positive after writing this. I feel more content about being in the present, not worrying about how long I live. Just being. I wasn't going to post this - I have been trying to reduce the amount of my negative detritus I put out on the www, but a ghostly being has suggested I should.
I want to put more spiritually inspiring and perfect stuff out there but there's so much of it already! No one talks about the troubles we encounter along the spiritual path. Maybe I'm the only one who finds it hard? No? The email I had from a healer teacher the other day really upset me. They obviously weren't totally aligned or whatever.
I do hope these articles help people anyway. In the sense of finding someone else out there who has troubles from time to time - a life that isn't always perfect.
I will try and write about some perfect times this week too! To balance it out.
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