Self Expression

This is becoming a more and more difficult issue for me right now.

As I sit in front of the computer screen, the day before a job interview of sorts, thoughts circle around in my head... who is reading this? What do they think when I read it? If people google this, will it affect my chances of getting the job?

It's just so awful.  We should be able to say what we want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

Of course, there's hurting and there's mildly upsetting etc. and we can't keep everything inside.  We have to talk about stuff.  And I have no one to talk to.  Absolutely bloody no one.

Not properly.  There's no one that I can feel I can say everything to.  Without guilt.  Or being interrupted.  The interrupting thing has got better.  I need to acknowledge that.  In fact now I understand something related to that.  That makes sense.

I did ask to have a counsellor in my life, someone I can talk to forever.  But it hasn't..quite worked.  Almost.  Maybe I need to remember how to talk.  To interrupt people.  I don't know.

Writing is just easier but so many people seem to freak out when I put my personal stuff in the public sphere.  I feel it's important though.  I hate secrecy! I always have! Ok, we mustn't say nasty things to people.  Although if they've hurt us, we should discuss it nicely.

But I don't know.

If I don't keep writing and writing and writing although I feel like a nutter, all these thoughts are just going round in my head with absolutely no one to listen except the spirit guides who, even they stress me out by judging and offering advice.  I don't want advice sometimes, I just want someone to listen.

But then I am so used to being judged and criticised that when it stops happening I barely notice, or I don't know how to react to it.  I have an automatic guilt timer switch that comes on after I've said just a few sentences because that's usually when most people interrupt me.  Or even just after a few words.

Maybe what I have to say just isn't interesting.  Maybe no body really truly cares.  Now I am overanalysing I know it.  But I still feel sad.  John Robert always used to say 'You want the bloody moon on a stick, woman!' I used to thwack him for that ;-) But maybe that's what women do.  They want things.  They want to change things.  On a small behavioural level because traditionally women have always done that through behaviourally training the children.  It's natural for them to extend this to partners because that protects her, and if she has a child, the child too.  Creates harmony and a perfect society on a truly microcosmic level. (macro? I get mixed up)

I have such low confidence.  I am trying to overcome it, gloss over it, ignore it by keeping busy, by telling myself that the more I focus on my negative emotions the more they'll magnify... But I do have low confidence and I desperately, desperately need approval, praise, compliments and encouragement. 

There it's said.  I think that's actually the root of my sad feeling right there.  In my tummy. And heart and tiny tears.